Quest 192

[primrosella]

[Private//Hackable by Friends]

It's been a week now, since Sam left. I can hardly believe it. Some days it feels like he's been gone an eternity, and it aches so terribly without him here...and other times it seems like it was only a few minutes ago that he said goodbye. I'm not sure which is worse, even; missing him so much, as if he'd been gone for years, or forgetting that he's gone and turning around, expecting to see him there--and having it all come back again.

It comes and goes, the hurt of it all. Is this how it would've been if Genesta hadn't called out to me when she did? Would I have felt this way about Daddy, missing him so? No, no, that's a horrible thing to think--no, that's just awful, stop that, it's not the same at all. He's fine. He's fine and happy and saving the world and off at home with Mikaela and Bumblebee and his parents and his Princetons and--and he's just where he should be, and where he should be isn't here. It's home. He's home, and it's better that way.

The City doesn't feel as much like home, though, now that he's gone.

One week. One single week...and I ought to be happy, no, look at all the marvelous things that have happened. Neil's come back to life and he and Todd are both alive and happy and it's nothing short of a miracle, and Riff is here and now Merry's here too and goodness knows it's about time something good happened for Cain, with how long he's been here all alone and--

Sam left, and all this happened, all in a week...does this mean it's my turn to be sad? Equivalence.

Stop it, stop it, that's quite enough of that. That's enough. I won't--it's not even the same thing at all. It's not like that, not even a single bit...even if it does all seem like a terrible, terrible trade, even so. It's just the sort of trade they'd make, isn't it? And what could possibly be more valuable to lose...

Stop it, I'm--I'm acting like a selfish little girl, and it's a horrible thing to think. How dare I be even the slightest bit jealous, when I've always had things so good and so easy and they've suffered so much? Isn't it about time that they had something nice happen to them for a change? What's the matter with me, being so horrible and selfish and jealous of that, to think that Sam's leaving has anything to do with their good fortune? Haven't I always said I'd rather bad things happen to me than to my friends? Shouldn't I be happy for them?

Isn't it better that everyone can be happy, even if it means I have to be sad? It's not as though I've never made that choice before...

But I...I am happy. Aren't I? How could I be anything but? Isn't that why it hurts so much, since I'm so happy for them and so sad for myself all at the same time, and it pulls in two opposite directions at once until it feels as though it's tearing me apart inside?

It was nice to laugh again, this weekend. It was nice to think about something else.

Distracting myself won't last forever, though, will it?

[/Private]

So the deities would have us write about equivalence, now, is that it? What an odd sort of request, and especially one that follows a weekend where people were cursed to buy and sell each other as though we were all up for auction. What is a person's worth in gold--or rather, in colored coins, as the case happens to be around here? What would one pay, in exchange for the gift of their time or attention? What it comes down to, really, is asking the measure of a person, and using the coin as a standard for comparison between one or another. What is their equivalent, in blues or violets or indigos?

I wasn't up for auction, and thank goodness for that, but if I had been, I think I would've asked that my price be set in something other than coin. I'd like very much to know my worth in roses, perhaps, or in sweets, or in poems. It's more fun that way, after all, and admittedly a bit more romantic, too.

Equivalence is the sort of thing that comes up often in fairy tales. Indeed, it almost seems to be the sort of thing that drives them, at times--a princess trades her life for that of her kingdom, because a dragon demands a sacrifice and its due must be paid. A king asks his daughters to equate their love for him to material things, and grows angry with his youngest when she merely states that she loves him as meat loves salt. Elves trade craftsmanship for dinners, a king trades the hand of his daughter in marriage for a feat of great courage, or the solution to a problem, or the revelation of a secret.

"Find out where my daughters go every night, as they wear holes through all their shoes, and you may have the pick of them as your wife. But if after three nights you have failed, you shall lose your head," as the king in one tale said.

But is it right, equating one thing to another that way? Is a princess's hand in marriage really worth a secret? Is a failure to uncover that secret worth an execution? Is one person's life worth another's? And what standard can be used to say, either way? Who has the right to make that decision?

They're interesting questions to ponder. And goodness knows, anyone that has ever made a trade with one of the deities here has had to grapple with these sorts of questions, as well. How many memories does it take to equal an object we desire? How much suffering in this moment will equal our satisfaction in the future?

And of course, there's still the question of whether or not all this pondering is equivalent to a token that, according to the deities, will allow us to buy our freedom from a single curse. Are thoughts alone, offered while uncursed, equal in worth to the chance to escape a curse that I don't want to suffer? There's no telling if it will be or not, I suppose, since I'm not one of the deities and they're the ones that will make that decision, one way or another. But I'd like to think that the time I've invested in pondering them is worth the chance that I might earn one, just the same.

And perhaps that was the whole point of having us write about equivalence, after all.