Quest 105

[primrosella]

[Private//Hackable by Friends]

Nightmares are nightmares because they show us what might've been, or what might be, or what could be, if we made the wrong choices. Isn't that so? To be a nightmare, something must go wrong, otherwise it wouldn't be a nightmare at all--just another dream. And dreams are only dreams are only dreams. But do dreams mean something? Is that the reason behind a dream, to show us something we need to know or see or learn?

The City feels like a dream sometimes. That's how Cain described it, too, when he said he'd forgotten about it--like a strange, fanciful dream. And maybe it is, in its own way. There are certainly things here that would've been beyond my wildest dreams, had I never come here at all. Who could ever dream some of the things I've seen and done here? And yet I've done them.

And that's what I've always believed, too: that we come here for a reason, that there's a meaning behind it. There must be a meaning, because without a meaning behind it, then there's really no point to any of this. Cain forgot everything when he went home, but Rue says she remembered everything. So there is still hope after all, faint though it may be. And a faint hope is better than no hope. But I suppose it's easy to lose sight of that hope, too, when it's so terribly small and people you care for, people you trust, tell you things that contradict everything you've been believing in and clinging to for so long.

I told Todd, when we were talking about his poetry, that even the bad ones are important, even when they're not masterpieces. It's really rather odd, looking back on some of the things I said when I was so sleepy, now that I'm rested again. A lot of it was nonsense, but some was really rather insightful, too. Ruined poems are a bit like ruined spells, but perhaps rather less dangerous; I remember, after the incident with my sleeping powder, how dejected I was and how convinced that I'd ruin any spell I set out to try, and Sam--oh, Sam, how is it you always know the right thing to say?--made me realize that even those failures...they were still important. And that's not to say that one shouldn't learn from her failures; that's the whole point, that a failure is just...another way of showing one how to succeed, really, because it shows you what not to do, and forces you to learn how to avoid it again in the future. And I did, I learned--and I know better, now, than to rush a spell or to cast it without telling someone, and I'm much safer for it now, I know--and the third spell I tried, I managed it. I really, truly managed it.

And a failure, really, is what drove me to learn how in the first place; it was that vision, all those months ago, of Alexander in the hand of that wizard, just inches away from the claws of the cat...

I hate it, when I can't save everyone. I hate it, I just hate it.

But to save everyone...

Of course, it's what a ruler is supposed to do. Mother and Daddy always taught me that. Hard choices are hard for a reason, and it's the right thing to do that matters most, no matter the cost. But sometimes...sometimes the choice isn't yours to make at all, is it? I hate that I couldn't save Neil, and couldn't stop Todd from giving up his life, even temporarily, for him...but that wasn't my choice, and really, it's not a choice I can fault Todd for, can I? I wish I could find a way to take away all of Blue's pain and heartache, or to give Neil and Rue and Cain a father like mine, or to give Todd all the confidence in the world, or to give Sam his life back and protect him from everything else that might try to take it away again. But to mend those ills for them...that's not my choice to make, is it? And none of them can save my family from Mordack for me; that's my choice, and I'm the only one that can make it.

And yet, if Lolotte should ever make good on that promise and turn up here...dealing with her may be my choice to make, and my burden to bear, but that doesn't mean I'll have to bear it alone, either. I should listen to Kurama more often. That day a few months ago when I was lost in the dark, and scared, and he came all the way to find me...and if he hadn't, Cain was ready to set out with a ball of yarn to find me, and when I tied myself up Rue came for me, and when Billy was cursed and kidnapping me Blue leapt to my rescue, and Sam...any time I get in trouble, Sam is there, he's always there. It's funny how easy all that is to overlook.

I trust them. I'd trust them with my life...so I suppose, really, I ought to trust them with their own, too, shouldn't I? Do they worry about me, as much as I worry about all of them?

But I do worry. And I can't help but worry, and I do wish I could find a way to save them all. And if there's a way, I'll find it, I won't stop trying until I do. But...as Grandfather would say, "when in doubt or in trouble, pick up anything that is not nailed down, and if it is, check for loose nails or boards". If you can't move the board...perhaps you can move the nail. If you can't do everything, maybe just doing what you can...maybe it's enough.

It's good advice, Grandfather.

[/Private]

[Filtered from Alexis Hargreaves | Blue's Codes | Unhackable]

I almost wonder if it's really a coincidence, that one recurring aspect in all of my nightmares was the loss of all of my friends...and now today I've found myself in an entirely empty City. It does seem like the sort of thing that the City would do, wouldn't it? Taking someone's worst nightmares and making them come true? I almost wonder if that's the curse today; after two days of making us dream all our worst nightmares, now the curse is to make us live through them in the waking hours, rather than only in our dreams. And yet somehow...somehow it's because all this is the stuff of nightmares that I'm not afraid of it.

The City has taken plenty of people I care about away from me already. Sometimes they come back; many times, they don't. But it's that small, singular loss that makes everything else so painful, because the ache is felt so strongly when one thing changes and everything else stays the same. It's like having a hole inside you, and everything else is fine, but you know you're incomplete without that part and you can't help but feel it because it's different and awful and wrong.

But this? To take everyone away, and leave me alone without any of them?

No. Pandora didn't let hope get away, and neither will I. Nightmares aren't so fearsome when one knows they're nightmares, and nothing I did made this happen. This is a curse and I'm in the middle of it, and while I can't stop it, I won't give in to it, either. My friends are not dead. And even if they are gone, for however long this lasts, they're not gone from my memories. They're still with me, and they'll always be with me, that way.

What would they want, if they knew I'd found myself alone today?

I never knew my grandfather; his name was Sir Hereward, and he died many years before I was born. But his advice has been a part of our family for as long as I can remember, passed down from him to my father to me:

"If I have learned anything in my life, I have learned this: when in doubt or when in trouble, pick up anything that is not nailed down, and if it is, look for loose nails or boards. Check carefully into, under, above, below, and behind things. Read everything; you might learn something. Wear clean undergarments, brush after meals, and always remember, nothing is as it appears. Nothing."

Nothing is as it appears, and this emptiness is no exception.

On the bright side of things, it's rather pleasant, in its own way, to spend a day in a perfectly quiet City. It's a bit unnatural, not having any noise from birds or bustle or anything like that, but it's not the first time I've been alone in the near-silent wilderness. Tamir was rather this way, too. And I don't lack for noise, anyway, since the stillness of this curse seems to have rekindled my bad habit of talking aloud to myself, and goodness knows I talk enough for two people at times.

How long will it last, I wonder? It's a Friday today, which means there's a reasonable chance it might go the whole weekend--long curses seem to favor the weekends, don't they? And that's the ridiculous part about asking questions when one is on one's own; who do I expect to answer any of these questions? Perhaps I ought to start answering them myself, but then I'd feel doubly ridiculous about talking to myself, so I think I'll leave them be for now.

And Valor's disappeared with the rest of them, too, so I'm without a horse today. I do hope he's all right, wherever he is. But for right now, I won't let this bother me. If there's no one around, then there's no one to bother by jumping and running and yelling all I want, and Mother and Daddy always did stress the importance of making the best of a bad situation. And when I'm thoroughly tired of that, I think I'll go to the beach for a while. The beach is a lonely enough place already, under normal circumstances, when it's just yourself and the sand and the waves. I doubt it'll seem any different today, after all.


[OOC: A little rest, a little time, and Rosella's optimism is now beginning to return to its usual ridiculously high levels, so she's determined not to let this curse get her down. Also, while she's figured out that it is a curse, she hasn't realized yet that people can still reach her through the Network, so expect surprise for a bit on that one.]

Comments

I think you just out tl;dr'd even Cain. Congratulations.

[misterblackbird.livejournal.com]

One might say that even nothing is nothing as it appears.

I can't find anyone else either, and yet the Network seems as busy as ever. It's a curse, but it's a strange one.

My excuse is that she has no one else to talk to. ...Yeah, that's it. Totally. >>

[primrosella.livejournal.com]

...Cain? Goodness, you're the first person I've heard from all day! You can't find anyone, either?

Fair enough!

[misterblackbird.livejournal.com]

No, I can't, though the Network is active enough. I just can't find anyone else anywhere.

[primrosella.livejournal.com]

How very odd. Why make it so that we can't find anyone in person, but still let us talk to each other through the Network? If the purpose was to isolate us, leaving us the Network rather defeats the point, doesn't it?

Where are you right now?

[misterblackbird.livejournal.com]

Yes, but couldn't it also make it worse to let us speak to one another, but not see one another? It would almost seem like madness. It would put just enough separation between us to make it almost unbearable.

I'm coming back up the opera house steps--I've been wandering the City for the day. Where are you?

[Private/Unhackable]

[not-so-smooth.livejournal.com]

Your horse is here in the City with us non-cursed people.

[Private/Unhackable]

[primrosella.livejournal.com]

Oh, good, I'm glad to hear you're both all right. This is...quite an odd experience, I must say. It's so quiet, I've been talking to myself all day just for the sake of the noise.

Re: [Private/Unhackable]

[not-so-smooth.livejournal.com]

Yeah, we're fine. When you weren't around I freaked and went to the Hall of the Missing...

[Private/Unhackable]

[primrosella.livejournal.com]

Oh, goodness, I didn't even think of that. I'm sorry, I wish I could've warned you somehow! I wasn't...there, though, was I?

[stokerwasahack.livejournal.com]

Horses can be remarkably adept at looking after themselves for a day. I'm certain if he was safe when you left him, he'll be safe when you return.

[primrosella.livejournal.com]

A friend of mine checked on him, fortunately, but you're right, Valor could take care of himself for a day if he had to. It seems he's still in the City, just...not the City that I'm in at the moment.

[stokerwasahack.livejournal.com]

I've noticed there's been a change of scenery for some. You seem to be taking it well.

[primrosella.livejournal.com]

Well, it's just that...it's like how cutting your finger on a piece of paper seems to hurt much more than a larger injury, in a way. The cut is such a small difference that it seems to stand out much more than a larger one, which is so different from the usual that it's just something to accept and work around, if you want to get anything done. Does that make sense?

[mumbled_truth]

As long as you're okay, I don't think you have to worry. Everyone that's still in the City -- um, the not empty City, that is -- seems to be fine.

And the Network seems to be alright, so you don't even have to talk to yourself, either.

[primrosella.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm all right. Sam had a good point, though--I still need to be careful, since there won't be any doctors or anything around until the curse is over. But I know how to manage on my own, when I have to.

And I didn't realize the Network was still working until just a little while ago, actually! So now I feel a bit ridiculous for talking to myself all day. But it's a welcome change, the little bit of noise I make when I do. It's terribly quiet here.

[mumbled_truth]

I'm sure you'll be okay... you could probably run through the whole Underground if you wanted to. Though... I'm not sure I would, even if it was empty.

I don't think there's anything wrong with talking to yourself... though it's probably better, being alone, to have someone else to talk to.

[primrosella.livejournal.com]

I've already done most of the City! Valor didn't come with me, unfortunately, so I've had to rely on my Rollerblades for most of my getting around today. But oh, it's really wonderfully fun to be able to go so fast, and not have to worry about anyone getting in my way!

It's a bad habit that I've never quite been able to break, really. It's the questions that make me feel silliest, though! I ask all sorts of questions when there's no one around to give me answers, and if I knew the answers, why would I be asking the questions?

[Voice] look who's come out of hiding :D

[had_not_lived]

That does seem like good advice, Rosella.

[Voice] o hay Neil it's about time you showed up <3

[primrosella.livejournal.com]

I think so, too. It's good enough that Daddy even had it woven into a tapestry, and it hangs on the wall in the throne room back home.

[Voice] he's done sulking. mostly.

[had_not_lived]

From the stories you've told me, it sounds like it's gotten you pretty far.

How are you doing, with the curse and all?

[Voice] next step: Hamley the Kitten

[primrosella.livejournal.com]

And not just me, either. It got Daddy a kingdom, and it got him Mother, too!

Oh, I'm trying to make the best of things, really. I can yell and scream all I want and skate around as fast as I can, and there's no one to yell back or worry about running into! It's eerie, in a way, but it's not so terribly bad.

[princess-crow.livejournal.com]

I'm alone too, Rosella. A wide horizon of nobody.

[primrosella.livejournal.com]

It's terribly strange, isn't it? Where are you at the moment, Rue?

[princess-crow.livejournal.com]

My room. I decided I shouldn't move until this curse ends.

[primrosella.livejournal.com]

That's likely a wise idea, I suppose. But to see the City with no one else in it is really quite an unusual thing...it might be worth it to take advantage of the opportunity and look around a little before it ends, too.