primrosella | Quest 116

[Private//Hackable by Friends]

Well...it's been ten days now.

...I still don't know what to do.

I keep trying to think things through, to find a good answer and figure out how to put it to use, but whenever I try, it always seems like I arrive at the conclusion that saying what I did was an absolutely ridiculous idea and I really shouldn't have and honestly, I should've known better and why didn't I know better and--I don't know. I really don't, and sitting around letting my thoughts go around and around in circles isn't going to solve anything either.

Three boys, three roses. Pink, red, and orange. How funny that they all go in a line that way--will the next one be yellow, I wonder? Will there be a yellow at all? Neil was green, but that was different, and that skipped a color in the middle, anyway. And Neil has his own worries to deal with, he certainly doesn't need any of mine.

Pink. I was sitting in a tree on a warm August afternoon, and he made it appear for me, and I took it and held it and thought...well. I didn't know any better then, I don't think. I still expected things to work out the way they do at home, and he was so charming, and I just--I didn't know. But I learned, didn't I? Things went wrong and I realized afterward that I hadn't known the whole story after all, and there was another girl, and I'd been foolish all along and I shouldn't have--mm. I shouldn't have trusted that it would all work out on its own, I think. That was when I learned not to hold a curse against someone.

The pink rose is a memory that things aren't always what they seem.

Red. I don't remember how I came about this one, but I know what happened before and after, and I remember why I don't remember it. Red was Valentine's Day, and I remember I was so happy, and there was a ball to go to--Blair's red rose ball. I had a modern dress to wear and glass slippers and I went with Blue, who was heartbroken ~~too~~, and Mikaela was here and she went with Sam and they had a lovely time together. And that was strange, getting used to Mikaela, since I'd heard so much about her but then I really got to meet her in person, and she came to live with us and I wasn't sure what to think about her, really. But she turned out to be just lovely, and she meant so much to Sam, and things ~~got better~~ went on. And I don't remember where this rose came from because it was one of the most precious memories I had, and I gave it away for something equally valuable.

The red rose is a memory that everything changes.

Orange. This is the rose that doesn't belong to me, exactly, but to a girl that I might've been. And how happy she was when she got it, too--everything in the world was going right for her, just then. She'd done well in school and she had a beautiful dress and a party to attend and a charming escort, and it was almost like a fairy tale in itself, despite the setting. Wasn't it? And then she realized that she hadn't known the whole story after all, and there was another girl, and she'd been foolish all along and she shouldn't have...mm, it's strange, how some things never change, isn't it? But she was a good girl, wasn't she? She knew the right thing to do and she did it, no matter what it meant for her or anyone else. She was a good girl.

The orange rose is a memory that some things are more important than oneself.

What do I do? What can I do? I can't take it back now. I can't fix it, I have to keep going on forward. But Sam's doing everything he can to put my feelings before his own, and he's determined to convince me to see this out, and I don't want him to get hurt but I don't see how he can't, what with this mess and that and--

One thing I've been wondering, all this time, is if all this trouble is all really worth it in the end. Which is an awful thing to wonder, I know, but...would it have been better if I hadn't said anything at all? I thought the right thing to do was be straightforward and confront things as soon as possible and be honest about them, and then it'd all work out from there, but...

...But then again, hiding things doesn't mean they go away, does it?

[/Private]

I, er, know this is rather late, since it's been quite a few days now, but I'm terribly sorry to anyone I might've worried by the, er, way I was acting the other day, during the machine curse. I'm fine, don't worry, I just...don't like machines very much, that's all. But I'm just fine now, and I managed all right that day, and with any luck, that curse won't come up again.

And now it seems we have a mountain, as well? I've heard talk that there are monsters on it, just like there are in the forest. I rather wonder if there are any Abominable Snowmen living up there. We have them in Daventry, up in the mountains, and they do tend to make things rather dangerous for anyone that might try to cross them. And then of course, there's always the problem of what lives under the mountains as well--trolls, for example, seem to favor caves beneath mountains very much. Well, and bridges, too, but it's considerably harder to get a goat to follow you down into a cave in a mountain, so it's much more difficult to deal with trolls in mountains than it is trolls around bridges.

Still, I rather want to go explore it, sometime. It seems to be staying put rather nicely, and there haven't been any great upheavals or plagues or swarms of monsters invading the City from it--yet--so maybe it's just a change of scenery, after all. Do you suppose we ought to name it? On the other hand, we don't really have a name for the City, I suppose, other than "The City", so perhaps it'd be fitting to just call it "The Mountain", and keep with that pattern of naming things. It's not as though it's exactly difficult to figure out which mountain we're referring to by it, after all.

I could do it if I were a bird. It'd make things a hundred times easier, being able to fly across the mountain rather than climbing it on foot. Like having the flying monkeys carry me up to Lolotte's castle. I wonder...

Neil, I'm afraid I'm still working on thinking my way through that mystery we were discussing. I keep jotting down notes and things every time I think I come up with something clever, but other than that I haven't gotten much of anywhere with it. Cain said he'd help to come up with a good story, and I'm sure once we have the basics we can just alter things to make it fit for our purposes, but other than that I'm a little...stuck.

I can hardly believe it's almost September already. Where did the time go?

[OOC: Still faking it like it's hot, and getting better at it, too. Also, my HMD thread is over here, for anybody that might've wanted it and missed it. ♥]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Well, but not to be too busy that you don't manage to get anything done!

[Private]

~~I know what you mean-- I--~~

But you've spoken to-- to the people you hadn't, from the curse?

Oh, of course, there is such a thing as too busy!

[Private]

Well...yes and no. I've talked to both of them, a little. Goodness knows I live with Sam, I've had to talk to him. But it's just...it's like we're all pretending that everything is the same, but we all know it's not. At least, I know it's not.

I think there was a time when I would've argued that.

[Private]

I'm sure they're aware, too... I don't know what to tell you. I wish I did. Maybe they just... Maybe it was a surprise to them, too, not just to you, and maybe they need time to think.

But not anymore?

[Private]

Neil, if you--well. Suppose...suppose you could think of a hundred reasons why having feelings for someone was a terrible, awful idea. And every bit of common sense says you really shouldn't, it'd be foolish to, all that. But...at the same time, you don't want to let go. Which do you listen to?

...Maybe there isn't an answer. I certainly haven't found one yet.

Now... well, being able to do anything and everything I wanted, I think maybe I've been doing more than is... reasonable.

[Private]

I think... maybe, we you can't help loving who you love.

As the saying goes, it's good to stop and smell the roses, too. And there's nothing wrong with that, either.

[Private]

It can't be love. It can't. It just--it can't, it's not, it has to be something else.

I guess... I just wanted to do everything, all at once.

[Private]

I didn't mean--

Only you know what you feel, Rosella.

But now, have you managed to find just the right amount of busy?

[Private]

I've been back and forth on it a hundred times, and sometimes I think--

Love--it means something. It's supposed to be forever, and true, and pure, and...nothing is forever in the City. Everything changes, sooner or later...

I think so. Mostly.

[Private]

......no. I don't think so.

Well, I mean... you're right. But-- I don't see why you can't love here. People aren't any different, not really, than they would be somewhere else. And even if you can't be together forever, isn't it better to... To not regret never seeing what might have been?

Well, that's something, at least.

[Private]

That's about what Sam said, too, the last time I brought this up with him. And that's why I keep going back and forth about it, because it's true, and you're right, and it is better not to have that regret.

But I also know that someday I'm going to have to go home, and get married, and rule a kingdom...and no one here can go with me. And I don't know if...I don't know if I can bring myself to call it love, knowing that.

You can't help loving someone, if you do. I don't think so, anyway. And... I think, someone you loved here, someone who loved you-- they wouldn't want you to be unhappy at home. They wouldn't mind you finding someone you loved there, too. I think they'd want you to.

~~If it were me... but that's not the same, we're not-- I haven't--~~

I've already left behind someone that loved me, once. He asked me to marry him and I--even if I'd wanted to, I couldn't have. ...No, that sounds awful. I meant--no matter what my feelings had been either way, I couldn't have. And I feel awful for it. I don't blame myself for it ~~anymore~~, but I still feel terrible for the way it all worked out.

Everyone leaves, here. Sooner or later. It's only a matter of time, and maybe we ought to make the best of what time we have. No matter how frightening it is.

I really... I don't know much at all, about this kind of thing.

I don't, either. But I never thought I'd end up with things like this at all, honestly. I always assumed--well. You know how it goes, a prince rescues a princess and they live happily ever after. But it seems that's not always how it works. At least not here in the City...

~~And just when I think I have it all figured out, he goes and does something charming and confuses me all over again.~~

The City isn't like what I'm used to, either. More like my home than yours, but... different enough to tell.

There are so many things one can do here that could never be done at home. Is it really all right to live by what the City says is so, regardless of what might be so in our own worlds? ...Maybe it is. I'm still not sure.

I've been trying to figure that out almost as long as I've been here.

I think... if you want to, it's all right to. If you don't want to, you don't have to. But you should be able to do what makes you happy. ~~I'd like to believe that, at least.~~

~~If everyone only did what made them happy, there'd be no such thing as hard choices.~~

...Neil? Will you give me your honest opinion on something?

Of course.

No matter what comes of it, no matter how hard it gets because of it...it was better that I told the truth when I did, wasn't it?

~~Sometimes I feel like the whole City's chiding me for being a coward.~~

...I think so.

...I hope you're right.

Quest 116

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