primrosella | Quest 172

Current Mood: distraught

Entry tags:

Quest 172

[Accidental Voice Post]

[The recording switches on to the sound of a Network device skittering across dirt and stone, as though it has just been shoved or kicked away and it has turned on of its own volition.

For a long time, the recording is silent, save for the faint sound of shuddering, irregular breaths and the occasional high, strangled whimper. After a minute or two, the owner of the voice breaks down into a few wretched sobs, and then after a short while they are suddenly muffled again. It's clear that someone is sitting nearby, crying her eyes out and trying to stifle it. It's equally clear she has no idea that the recording is on.

After about another minute, she manages to compose herself somewhat, and the scraping sound resumes; this time, she is sliding it back toward herself, and as she picks it up, she makes a small squeak of surprise when she realizes it is already on. With a resigned sigh, she swallows hard and begins to speak, her voice thin and trembling.]

I'm--I'm so sorry. About yesterday. I know it--it doesn't make things any better, just saying that, but--

[She sniffles, fabric rustling near the microphone as she wipes her eyes.]

I was--cursed and--and Sam was too, and we took the wrong devices, he took mine and I had his and we were both cursed and all those things I said, those horrible things--it wasn't me, it was Sam, but it wasn't Sam either because he wasn't himself and I wasn't myself and we just--I'm so sorry, please, please, I didn't--

[Her voice cracks.]

The--the things I said. I didn't. Those horrible things, I didn't mean them, not any of them. I didn't know what I was saying. I...I don't really think any of that, and I'm so sorry, everyone I talked to while I was pretending to be Sam--there was a girl, one of Sam's friends--I didn't know her name, I still don't, but please, miss, if you're listening, please don't be angry with Sam, it wasn't him--it wasn't, it was me, and I just didn't know--I didn't know your name, that's all...

[Her voice rises in pitch as she starts talking faster and faster, clearly about to lose it again but forcing herself to keep talking.]

Sam's not--I didn't mean it, please, it's all just a mistake and I was cursed and we--I didn't mean it, I didn't, I didn't, I'm so sorry, I didn't know what I was doing! I never--Sam, I'd never, I'd--I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I never meant--I shouldn't have--

[She breaks off suddenly, choking down a sob, and takes a few shaking breaths to steady herself before she tries to continue.]

I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, it's all my fault, I did it, I should've known better--I should've stopped myself and I didn't and now I can't--I can't stop seeing it, over and over, every time I close my eyes...

[As she breaks down once again, she fumbles with the device. Her fingers are trembling too hard to work the switch smoothly, but she eventually manages to get the feed turned off.]

[OOC: So, um, yeah. It wouldn't be the Ides of March without somebody literally getting stabbed in the back, right? Which...is basically exactly what Rosella and Sam did yesterday, just to bring their little war to a dramatic close. Both made good use of the death exemption and are totally alive and fine now, but...yeah, Rosella's still an emotional wreck over killing her best friend, and now she's hiding out in her cave in the woods being miserable and crying forever.

Feel free to action her up if your character would think to look for her out there (since it's an old standby hiding place of hers), but she's not particularly interested in leaving it at the moment. And of course, Network for everyone else.]

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

[ She lifts an eyebrow at her, knowing reacting the same way isn't going to get them anywhere, but while she understands her anger and pain, she doesn't think it's justified. ]

Yes, it is. If you did it, in full awareness of your actions, if that's what you really wanted to do to him, then by all means, beat yourself up for being the sort of scum who wouldn't think twice before stabbing a friend in the back.

Oh. Er. I...er, I do thank you for your, um, concern, then.

Hello, Lorne. You've caught me at a bit of a bad time, I'm afraid, and I'm...really not very pleasant company at the moment. So I'll have to ask you to pardon that, please.

[ Her hand on her shoulder tightens, and she doesn't really think much on reaching out and attempt to make a grab for the other to make her look her way. Megumi's expression remains composed, but her gaze is cutting, icier. ]

He stabbed you too, didn't he? And he regrets it just as much as you are right now. What makes you think either of you wanted this enough to ever do it normally?

It's not a matter of what I wanted!

[She doesn't manage to resist Megumi's attempt at grabbing her, but she does manage to avert her eyes instead, keeping them fixed at a point on the cave floor as her vision blurs over with tears.]

It's--it's what I did. I still did it. I didn't want it and I still did it and I keep seeing it again and again and again and I didn't want to do it, I'd never--I'd never but I did and it won't get out of my head and I can't--I can't--

[ Her eyes narrow, and she wonders if it would be best to allow Rosella her catharsis and self-blame, or to slap her out of it. Her grip tightens just slightly, but then she sighs, watching her for a bit and not talking until she's done. ]

Rosella. So you did what you did, when everyone cursed was doing the same.

[ And here, her hands move up to cup her face, if she doesn't tug away, but she continues. ]

What's this going to do, eh? You might have not wanted to do it, but you're certainly not wasting any time hurting Sam in a different way, are you? By doing this?

[ Her words are sharp, but she has no qualms about saying them-- if she has to be the bad person to make her point, then so be it. ]

Weren't you the one who once told me to be selfish for a change?

[She grits her teeth at the touch to her face, but still, she doesn't pull away.]

Don't you think I'm miserable enough already? Should I apologize that I wasn't strong enough to stay back there where it reeked of blood and every last bit of it kept reminding me of what I did? Why not? It can be one more failure to mark down my list.

[Her eyes narrow.]

There. You're right. You're right! I didn't waste a bit of time hurting Sam again. And why not throw in everyone else, too, everyone who's looking for me and worrying about me right now? I've hurt all of them, too. You're right, I am just as awful as Sam was making me out to be on the Network yesterday. There! You're right! Are you happy?!

[And then, abruptly, her anger fades, and her shoulders slump.]

I hope so. If you are, that makes one of us.

You can do it. I'm sure of that.

...Thank you, Rin.

... it's no problem.

[ That only gets her a deadpan look in response. ]

Please tell me you're joking about wanting to be selfish at a time like this, Rosella.

[ But those next words make her eyes narrow, and her grip might have tightened a wee bit, but that's all there is. It's clear she's controlling herself from saying anything else, but she lets Rosella go on.

When she's done, she slowly moves her hands back to her shoulders. ]

Name me one person who has been stronger than a curse here, and I'll call you a liar for it. Haven't you been here long enough to know that it never, never works that way?

[ Her voice drops slightly, expression becoming somewhat disappointed, but also sympathetic. ]

You've already hurt yourself enough without you needing anyone seeking schadenfreude in your actions, you silly, silly girl. Just tell me what you're hoping to accomplish with all this self-blame when you could make things right? This isn't like you at all, Rosella. Not one bit.

[Well, if one thing is for certain, it's that Megumi is certainly not making this "hide and mope and cry and brood" plan of Rosella's very easy to enact. And really, that's all she wants to do at the moment, just like she did when the doctors told her that her father was dying and there was nothing anyone could do about it. An answer came to her back then. Perhaps she wishes one would magically come to her now, even though she knows the likelihood of something like that occurring in the City is slim to none.]

I don't know how to make things right this time. I can't take it back. I can't fix it. I couldn't stop it and I can't forget about it.

[She raises her arms, pushing at the hands on her shoulders. She felt how that grip tightened, just a bit, and the weight of Megumi's hands on her shoulders feels stifling and confining, as opposed to reassuring.]

How can I figure out the right thing to do when I keep thinking in circles and never get anywhere with it? I couldn't think back there. I can hardly manage it in here, when I'm by myself. I don't know what to do. Why would I be here at all, if I did?

[ She draws her hands back, settling herself in a proper kneel, but enough to still be able to take her own hands if she needs to. But those words make her release a soft, dry laugh. ]

I do wonder how you're expecting to get an answer if you're not even going to open yourself up to questioning, luv.

[ And then, a little more softly, as she looks ahead. ]

The real question is, what happens next?

There's a difference between questions and accusations, you know.

[But there's no malice in her tone as she says it; if anything, she sounds half tired, half wry.]

Sam will find me sooner or later. He knows full well where I go to hide.

Sometimes an accusation is necessary. I doubt anyone would bother making one if things weren't being construed in a way enough to trigger it.

[ Oh but she's not denying that she was-- because she was, though her intent was realisation, not to put her down. ]

This is between you and him, yes. And I know I oughtn't be here either. But you know, when a friend of mine is being silly enough to get me worked up...

[ And here, she only half-means Rosella, because a lot of the reason why she came here had to also do with Cain's outburst about her that got her worried for her. ]

I'd like to think it's something she can speak her mind about to me, if I'm doing the same to her, unasked.

[ A wry smile, and she leans back against the wall slightly, watching her. ]

[Megumi does have a point there--and in an odd sort of way, the outburst earlier really had made Rosella feel a little better, if for nothing else than the chance to vent some of her anger on someone other than herself for a minute or two. She's still far from happy, of course, but she's calming down a little, at least.

And she seems to be taking the part about being able to speak her mind to heart, because she is quiet for a long moment, staring at the ground and trying to put her thoughts into some sort of coherent order, despite it all. It's a tangled mess of confusion, and she's not quite sure where to even start, so finally she just picks something and decides to give it her best attempt from there.]

I did a lot of horrible things yesterday. Not just...this. It doesn't matter if they were only a curse. I know they were. But I can't let them go so easily. Not when it's Sam. It's different than it was the last time.

[ She's quietly glad that Rosella seems to have taken this more productively than most in her place, but she did expect that. Sometimes people need outlets, and people handle things differently-- she knows she might have probably been a lot more brutal in Rosella's place.

Lifting her knees slightly under her skirts to move her arms over, she watches her as she talks. When she's done, she looks back ahead of herself, considering. ]

How does it make it different from any other time that you're cursed into doing things you'd never do, though?

[ She's quietly glad she wasn't affected either-- who knows what would have come of that. ]

Even among the things I'd never do, there are still lines that can be crossed.

[Which is a contradiction and she knows it, but it's a hard subject to put into words, when it's something so deeply ingrained into her beliefs.]

It's as though I'd killed my father. That's how it feels.

[And she can't help but wonder, as she glances up through weary eyes, if Megumi will be able to appreciate just how strong her abhorrence is at the very thought of that idea.]

Honey, seeing as I was the one to initiate conversation, I think it's agreed that I'm pardoning. More like commiserating or comforting, even.

But I'm a guy who likes to wallow once in awhile so if you're hinting that you need a little wallow time to your sweet little self, I can mosey on along. Can't guarantee I won't nose in again later, though, busybody that I can be.

I...yes, I suppose "wallow" is a rather good word for it, really. I just...I don't really know what to say, honestly. Perhaps it would be better if we spoke another time, after all.

[ She doesn't need to see it; knowing how much Rosella is attached to her family from everything she's heard from her. But she does lift her head to look at her for a bit, reading it anyway.

It's an odd comparison, considering the fact that Rosella and Sam are as close as they are, from what she remembers of them at Thanksgiving, but... she can understand the sentiment. After a while, she nods, looking on ahead of herself again. ]

It's going to weigh on you for a while then, isn't it? But...

[ She shakes her head once. ]

I can't turn back time for you, but I can stay here until even this storm has passed, Rosella. Because really--

[ She pauses, chuckling to herself. ]

It's nice to see that there's someone still holding onto their morals in a place like this.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

Page 9 of 9

Quest 172

[ Action ] 1/2

voice

[ Action ]

[ Action ]

[ Action ]

[ Action ]

[voice]

[voice]

[voice]

[ Action ]

[ Action ]

[ Action ]

[ Action ]

[ Action ]

[ Action ]

[ Action ]

[ Action ]

voice

voice

[ Action ] ARGH so sorry for the slow, I haven't been home as much these last few days