Quest 116

[primrosella]

[Private//Hackable by Friends]

Well...it's been ten days now.

...I still don't know what to do.

I keep trying to think things through, to find a good answer and figure out how to put it to use, but whenever I try, it always seems like I arrive at the conclusion that saying what I did was an absolutely ridiculous idea and I really shouldn't have and honestly, I should've known better and why didn't I know better and--I don't know. I really don't, and sitting around letting my thoughts go around and around in circles isn't going to solve anything either.

Three boys, three roses. Pink, red, and orange. How funny that they all go in a line that way--will the next one be yellow, I wonder? Will there be a yellow at all? Neil was green, but that was different, and that skipped a color in the middle, anyway. And Neil has his own worries to deal with, he certainly doesn't need any of mine.

Pink. I was sitting in a tree on a warm August afternoon, and he made it appear for me, and I took it and held it and thought...well. I didn't know any better then, I don't think. I still expected things to work out the way they do at home, and he was so charming, and I just--I didn't know. But I learned, didn't I? Things went wrong and I realized afterward that I hadn't known the whole story after all, and there was another girl, and I'd been foolish all along and I shouldn't have--mm. I shouldn't have trusted that it would all work out on its own, I think. That was when I learned not to hold a curse against someone.

The pink rose is a memory that things aren't always what they seem.

Red. I don't remember how I came about this one, but I know what happened before and after, and I remember why I don't remember it. Red was Valentine's Day, and I remember I was so happy, and there was a ball to go to--Blair's red rose ball. I had a modern dress to wear and glass slippers and I went with Blue, who was heartbroken too, and Mikaela was here and she went with Sam and they had a lovely time together. And that was strange, getting used to Mikaela, since I'd heard so much about her but then I really got to meet her in person, and she came to live with us and I wasn't sure what to think about her, really. But she turned out to be just lovely, and she meant so much to Sam, and things got better went on. And I don't remember where this rose came from because it was one of the most precious memories I had, and I gave it away for something equally valuable.

The red rose is a memory that everything changes.

Orange. This is the rose that doesn't belong to me, exactly, but to a girl that I might've been. And how happy she was when she got it, too--everything in the world was going right for her, just then. She'd done well in school and she had a beautiful dress and a party to attend and a charming escort, and it was almost like a fairy tale in itself, despite the setting. Wasn't it? And then she realized that she hadn't known the whole story after all, and there was another girl, and she'd been foolish all along and she shouldn't have...mm, it's strange, how some things never change, isn't it? But she was a good girl, wasn't she? She knew the right thing to do and she did it, no matter what it meant for her or anyone else. She was a good girl.

The orange rose is a memory that some things are more important than oneself.

What do I do? What can I do? I can't take it back now. I can't fix it, I have to keep going on forward. But Sam's doing everything he can to put my feelings before his own, and he's determined to convince me to see this out, and I don't want him to get hurt but I don't see how he can't, what with this mess and that and--

One thing I've been wondering, all this time, is if all this trouble is all really worth it in the end. Which is an awful thing to wonder, I know, but...would it have been better if I hadn't said anything at all? I thought the right thing to do was be straightforward and confront things as soon as possible and be honest about them, and then it'd all work out from there, but...

...But then again, hiding things doesn't mean they go away, does it?

[/Private]

I, er, know this is rather late, since it's been quite a few days now, but I'm terribly sorry to anyone I might've worried by the, er, way I was acting the other day, during the machine curse. I'm fine, don't worry, I just...don't like machines very much, that's all. But I'm just fine now, and I managed all right that day, and with any luck, that curse won't come up again.

And now it seems we have a mountain, as well? I've heard talk that there are monsters on it, just like there are in the forest. I rather wonder if there are any Abominable Snowmen living up there. We have them in Daventry, up in the mountains, and they do tend to make things rather dangerous for anyone that might try to cross them. And then of course, there's always the problem of what lives under the mountains as well--trolls, for example, seem to favor caves beneath mountains very much. Well, and bridges, too, but it's considerably harder to get a goat to follow you down into a cave in a mountain, so it's much more difficult to deal with trolls in mountains than it is trolls around bridges.

Still, I rather want to go explore it, sometime. It seems to be staying put rather nicely, and there haven't been any great upheavals or plagues or swarms of monsters invading the City from it--yet--so maybe it's just a change of scenery, after all. Do you suppose we ought to name it? On the other hand, we don't really have a name for the City, I suppose, other than "The City", so perhaps it'd be fitting to just call it "The Mountain", and keep with that pattern of naming things. It's not as though it's exactly difficult to figure out which mountain we're referring to by it, after all.

I could do it if I were a bird. It'd make things a hundred times easier, being able to fly across the mountain rather than climbing it on foot. Like having the flying monkeys carry me up to Lolotte's castle. I wonder...

Neil, I'm afraid I'm still working on thinking my way through that mystery we were discussing. I keep jotting down notes and things every time I think I come up with something clever, but other than that I haven't gotten much of anywhere with it. Cain said he'd help to come up with a good story, and I'm sure once we have the basics we can just alter things to make it fit for our purposes, but other than that I'm a little...stuck.

I can hardly believe it's almost September already. Where did the time go?


[OOC: Still faking it like it's hot, and getting better at it, too. Also, my HMD thread is over here, for anybody that might've wanted it and missed it. ♥]

Comments

[ Action ] /tl;dr I AM SO SORRY

[primrosella.livejournal.com]

[It's not the first time she's heard those gently chastising words before--far from it. How many times has it been? Sam had said much the same thing, when they'd talked earlier--is it her right to put herself in danger and suffer physically without regard for herself, when doing so means forcing others to suffer emotionally from it? Don't be so self-sacrificing, Rosella. But it was better that way, wasn't it? Wasn't it always better that she do whatever she could to protect her friends, even if it meant she had to put herself in mortal peril for it? Wasn't it worth it? Wasn't it the right thing to do?

And yet she can still recall the sight of the tears in her parents' eyes as she bid them goodbye and walked away from the castle, thinking it would be the last time. She remembers the sound of the doors closing behind her, how they shut themselves in to grieve for her before she'd even met her fate. None of them thought she'd be coming back from it.

But it was her choice, wasn't it? She did it to save them, that's all she wanted, she just wanted to save them and there was no other way, was there? Someone else could've gone in her place, but she couldn't let someone else suffer for her sake, could she? It wasn't right, it wasn't right and yet she'd made her parents suffer for it and it was too much, too much, and her father had nearly died--

She's shaking, and it takes her a minute to even realize it's happening.

For a long time, she can't speak. There's thoughts racing through her mind, rushing so fast she can't even keep track of them all, and yet she can't seem to force a single one into words. So she sits, still and silent, trying to make sense of it all.

Why is it backwards? Everything is backwards, upside down and jumbled; she hurts people when she's trying to save them and the only way to save them is to keep away from them, and the only way to understand is to believe in things that seem senseless. It makes no sense, how can it make any sense at all, when the best way to help is to do nothing at all?

Her eyes are stinging again, and her knuckles are white.]

I never wanted...to hurt anyone.

[Is this about Cain, or about herself? She doesn't know. It's hard enough, just finding words to say.]

But all this time...that's what I've been doing, is that it? Trying to help and just--making it worse?

[Backwards, it's all backwards, backwards thinking, backwards logic. Or is she the backwards one, in the end?]

But you're saying--you mean to say that--that it doesn't matter--it'll never matter how brave I am or not. How willing I am or not. Because it's never enough, it can't ever be enough, no matter how much I try or what I do, it won't ever be enough. But I'm not supposed to be, is that it? I don't need to be brave, I don't need to help, I just--

[What was it he'd said? "Someone like you could only come from a place like this." His dreams had been filled with darkness, and hers--had been a ray of light?]

You mean that if I really want to help, it's not by trying to be the same as him. That I should be optimistic when he isn't, and--and happy when he can't be, is that it? That's why I'm something to be protected? Because I can do those things when he can't?

[Can she? He's worth it, isn't he? Saving the day by doing nothing at all, can she endure that?]

Perhaps that's your answer, then. If...if something I can do, some difference I can make--if that gives him the chance to be happy, even just once, then I'll do it. Then it'll be worth it.

[She meets Megumi's eyes, giving her a wobbly sort of smile.]

If he thinks he can't be happy, then I want to prove him wrong. If that's the game, then I want to beat him. Maybe that's what's at the end of it all. But if it gives him even one thing to smile about, someday, when everything else is going wrong, then it's worth it to me.

[ Action ] /loves your tl;dr!

[roseblooms.livejournal.com]

[ She can only wonder how it feels for her, someone whose determination and dedication has seen her through situations someone like her couldn't exactly believe in until she really had to face them. Not that magic and dragons and witches didn't exist in her world, but even so. They weren't exactly things they had to contend with, make deals with-- but it was different for Rosella, wasn't it?

It's almost a little sad, she thinks. Things she would personally take for granted are so serious for Rosella, while Rosella herself has had no exposure to things that she knows Cain has gone through. It makes a world of difference, growing up around people who love you and people who don't see you as anything more than an experiment. At Rosella's questions, at the way her own uncertainty shows in the way her eyes glaze over, Megumi can't help but feel a hint of sympathy for her. This is really out of Rosella's league, isn't it? But as she listens to her talk, she's glad that the girl is at least able to follow things a bit.

Except... ]

Don't think that it doesn't matter. It's what makes you you. It's what makes him able to believe, even just a bit, in some hope.

[ However, her last words make her frown a bit. A game... prove him wrong... it's giving her relationship a sort of odd, tangible quality that makes Megumi end up wondering about what she really wants out of this. The reward of having won a game? No, surely not.

And she wonders how far this will carry on for them both until they can't do it any more. After all, no one asked her to save Cain, Rosella decided to do that on her own, and while it's fine for her to do so because her intentions are undoubtedly pure-- there's the possibility of it hurting things more than fixing them.

That's what makes her fearful, and she's quiet for a bit. It seems like whatever needed to be said has been said, and her gaze softens as she gives her a quiet nod, deciding not to bring up the fact that she doesn't need to try all that hard to bring a smile to his face. ]

Perhaps, Rosella... it's time to stop thinking of it as something you need to overcome with him, and as something you can provide instead. Winning and losing... that'll see no end. But if you can bring him challenge and light, perhaps...

[ She sighs, returning her weak smile with one of her own, lifting her hand to touch Rosella's cheek again, speaking gently to her. ]

Perhaps it will make you understand him a bit better instead of trying to... I won't say force, but-- making him change in a way that he may not be open to.

[ And with a shake of her head, she looks away from her, lowering her hand again, extending it to the cup and saucer she'd levitated away from her, to have it float back into her hand. Glancing down to look at the remaining contents, she falls silent for a bit, before she turns the cup handle toward herself so she can lift it back to gently sip it.

Still warm. ]

I just don't want you to expect things from him that may end up disappointing the both of you.

[ It's better to say that, isn't it? She called Rosella to talk to her after hardening her own heart in the hopes that perhaps Cain would be able to decide what he wanted out of his time here as well.

This is necessary for Megumi as well, even if it's slowly becoming clear how much more pure Rosella's feelings are as compared to her own, and how much it's beginning to sting her on realising that. ]

I want him to believe that he has a chance at happiness here, as well. Happiness that he needn't hide.

[ They're a silent confession, but she says them in a way that would only sound like she's concerned for his well-being.

She hopes Rosella takes it that way, because there's no way she's going to make her worry for her when she has her own troubles to sort. ]

[ Action ]

[primrosella.livejournal.com]

[A tiny, selfish part of her, deep down inside, can't help but be a little glad that Megumi doesn't seem to understand what she meant when she mentioned the game. It doesn't make the revelations she's dealing with any easier, but it is, somehow, a tiny spot of satisfaction amidst the rest of the turmoil. It'd been a silly way of phrasing things, a weak grasp at humor in an otherwise sorry situation, but somehow, it makes her glad that their silly nameless game, their unspoken rules, their competition--it's theirs, and not anyone else's. For Megumi to fail to understand that, when she seems to understand everything else so well, and she herself has been so, so wrong about everything...it's childish and it's selfish, but it makes her glad, anyway.

But she also knows, deep down, that Megumi is right. She's long suspected that Megumi is, at the very least, as important to Cain as Sam is to herself, and if it were some other girl misunderstanding things about Sam, wouldn't she herself be having a similar sort of conversation? No, Megumi is right, and she knows it.

But knowing isn't understanding, and despite it all, she can't understand, not really. Not the way she needs to. Not if it means having to sort out everything she's ever believed in and turn it all on its head and flip it backwards and--no. She can't understand, not like that. Perhaps she'll never understand, perhaps she just doesn't have it in her to understand that way.

...And yet, does she have to? Grandfather's advice, once again--if you can't move the board...perhaps you can move the nail. If you can't do everything, maybe just doing what you can...maybe it's enough. Maybe...for once, she can set that need aside, and move without understanding for a change.

That'd make it...rather like magic, wouldn't it?

Perhaps she'll just have understand what she can, and trust in the rest.]

You keep saying that, you know. That I'm light, that there's something so...bright about me? And maybe there is, I don't know. Maybe this is something I'll never be able to understand, and I can't promise that I ever will. But I can try, and I will.

But you've told me everything else, now, so tell me this: what do I have to do? Not what I have to understand, not what I have to think, not what I have to believe. What do I do, in order to let him keep that hope?

[It's an answer she needs to hear. That's what matters most in the end, isn't it?]

I think...you and I both want the same thing, in the end. So please, don't worry about me, and my expectations, and my--any of that. Just--tell me what to do. Please.

[It's not the first time she's said that, either. And she doubts it'll be the last.]

[ Action ]

[roseblooms.livejournal.com]

[ She watches Rosella for a bit once more when she mentions her understanding and how she'll try to understand Cain even if she can't right now-- she would be willing to correct her about not knowing about their game, seeing as a lot of their interactions were out on the network to see, and it didn't quite take a genius to figure out the kind of interaction they were having. However, what she's aiming to request of her has nothing to do with that-- more than that, it's asking her to not just look at her relationship with Cain as just that game.

Games eventually end, and friendship is more precious than that. She doesn't want to hear that at the end of the game, with a victory on her part, there's nothing more for them to explore with each other, and when that happens, all of this effort, this worrying, will have been for nothing.

She'd never forgive anyone who would leave Cain after taking their fill of him.

Lifting her cup to gently sip from it, she looks ahead of her once more.

If you love someone... ]

Find out what you really feel for him, Rosella. Spend some time with him, try and learn of him from what he's willing to share-- and let him learn from you as well.

[ Looking to her side again, she meets her gaze again, a half-smile on her lips. Her chest is beginning to ache inside, but she crushes that feeling with the peaceful look she's used to giving her patients.

This is like a consultation, in a way, isn't it? Except it's just a little more personal. The comparison makes her smile grow a bit, even if it doesn't reach her eyes, and she moves a hand over Rosella's assuringly. ]

Don't try to be anyone else for him than who you already are. You're his Princess, aren't you?

[ She smiles wryly at that. ]

Be that princess, his friend, and trust him when he guards you from something he isn't ready to share. It'll help you both.

[ She ought to know. After all, aside from the things she learnt through exploration and curses, and Alexis himself... there are things he's not ready to share, and she's fine with that.

There are things she can't share with him either, but she'll know when it's possible. ]

Boys are dreadfully frustrating, aren't they?

[ She can't help but add with a weak laugh, quickly enough to cover for the sting that's beginning to burn her eyes. Lift the mood, now. That's the way. ]

[ Action ]

[primrosella.livejournal.com]

They certainly are.

[She'll figure it out someday, once she's mulled it over and talked it out and gotten it straight in her head. But that's not what's important at the moment.

Is this how she looked herself, she wonders, during those curses when she'd given everything she could offer to help the two of them be happy?

Hard choices are hard for a reason, and sometimes you have to be selfish to be happy, and hard choices ought to be made because it's the right thing to do. And she has a feeling that maybe, just maybe, that's what Megumi is trying to do now. Hasn't she made enough hard choices in her life to know what goes into them, and how to recognize them?

Then it seems it's true, after all. She never wanted to hurt anyone, and all this time, that's what she's been doing.]

But I'm afraid there's one thing you're wrong about.

[And here is a wry smile of her own.]

I'm not his princess. I'm his friend, and sometimes his opponent, and other times his accomplice; I've been the optimist to his pessimist, and most of the time, I'm the one being hopeful while he's cynical. I'm the same as him in some ways, and I'm opposite him in others.

[She retrieves her own teacup, and pauses to take a sip, letting the words hang in the air as she considers her next ones.]

It was a foolish whim of mine, telling him he could call me that if he wanted. It...means something to me, and it meant something long before I ever met him. But every time he says it...no. No, I'm not his princess. Not yet, and perhaps not ever.

[And her wry smile grows, just a little.]

But that isn't what you meant, I don't think. So please don't think I don't understand, because I do. Or at least, I do a little better than I used to.

[ Action ]

[roseblooms.livejournal.com]

[ That gets a genuine laugh out of her, as she shakes her head. ]

I meant that in regards to the fact that he calls you that at all. But it's good to hear that you've found so much to relate with him.


[ Though it does surprise her, at the same time, to see that she's forged those bonds with Cain in the time that she has known him. It strikes her as odd, but at the same time-- if she can say it so confidently, then it's probably for the best though, isn't it? Especially if Cain likes it that way, likes her enough to call her "Princess" and that alone shows his level of confidence and friendship with her.

It would be heartwarming if it wasn't so bittersweet.

Smiling a bit, she lifts a hand to tuck her hair behind her ear, and she nods to her, suddenly feeling a little exhausted. She's refusing to acknowledge why, and probably won't in Rosella's company-- that wouldn't be fair to her as her guest. ]

I hope, for your sake and his, everything works out as it ought to. I have faith you'll do the right thing, as will he.

[ She can't help but crack a slight grin. ]

If he doesn't mess it up, of course.

[ Because obviously, when is it ever the lady's fault anything goes wrong? ]

[ Action ]

[primrosella.livejournal.com]

[She's doing the very best she can to stay smiling and pleasant, but deep down, this discussion has rattled her. There are new insights to consider now, and new feelings, and new complications to an already utterly complicated mess of things. What will she do? What can she do?

There'll be plenty of time for thinking, later on.]

Whatever happens...it'll be all right. One way or another, it'll be all right in the end. I do believe that.

[And she does...in a sense. It'll be all right because she'll make it be all right, no matter what happens, and no matter how much she has to let herself get hurt to make it that way. But she won't let on any of that. She's getting very good at pretending these days, after all.]