primrosella | Quest 172

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Quest 172

[Accidental Voice Post]

[The recording switches on to the sound of a Network device skittering across dirt and stone, as though it has just been shoved or kicked away and it has turned on of its own volition.

For a long time, the recording is silent, save for the faint sound of shuddering, irregular breaths and the occasional high, strangled whimper. After a minute or two, the owner of the voice breaks down into a few wretched sobs, and then after a short while they are suddenly muffled again. It's clear that someone is sitting nearby, crying her eyes out and trying to stifle it. It's equally clear she has no idea that the recording is on.

After about another minute, she manages to compose herself somewhat, and the scraping sound resumes; this time, she is sliding it back toward herself, and as she picks it up, she makes a small squeak of surprise when she realizes it is already on. With a resigned sigh, she swallows hard and begins to speak, her voice thin and trembling.]

I'm--I'm so sorry. About yesterday. I know it--it doesn't make things any better, just saying that, but--

[She sniffles, fabric rustling near the microphone as she wipes her eyes.]

I was--cursed and--and Sam was too, and we took the wrong devices, he took mine and I had his and we were both cursed and all those things I said, those horrible things--it wasn't me, it was Sam, but it wasn't Sam either because he wasn't himself and I wasn't myself and we just--I'm so sorry, please, please, I didn't--

[Her voice cracks.]

The--the things I said. I didn't. Those horrible things, I didn't mean them, not any of them. I didn't know what I was saying. I...I don't really think any of that, and I'm so sorry, everyone I talked to while I was pretending to be Sam--there was a girl, one of Sam's friends--I didn't know her name, I still don't, but please, miss, if you're listening, please don't be angry with Sam, it wasn't him--it wasn't, it was me, and I just didn't know--I didn't know your name, that's all...

[Her voice rises in pitch as she starts talking faster and faster, clearly about to lose it again but forcing herself to keep talking.]

Sam's not--I didn't mean it, please, it's all just a mistake and I was cursed and we--I didn't mean it, I didn't, I didn't, I'm so sorry, I didn't know what I was doing! I never--Sam, I'd never, I'd--I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I never meant--I shouldn't have--

[She breaks off suddenly, choking down a sob, and takes a few shaking breaths to steady herself before she tries to continue.]

I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, it's all my fault, I did it, I should've known better--I should've stopped myself and I didn't and now I can't--I can't stop seeing it, over and over, every time I close my eyes...

[As she breaks down once again, she fumbles with the device. Her fingers are trembling too hard to work the switch smoothly, but she eventually manages to get the feed turned off.]

[OOC: So, um, yeah. It wouldn't be the Ides of March without somebody literally getting stabbed in the back, right? Which...is basically exactly what Rosella and Sam did yesterday, just to bring their little war to a dramatic close. Both made good use of the death exemption and are totally alive and fine now, but...yeah, Rosella's still an emotional wreck over killing her best friend, and now she's hiding out in her cave in the woods being miserable and crying forever.

Feel free to action her up if your character would think to look for her out there (since it's an old standby hiding place of hers), but she's not particularly interested in leaving it at the moment. And of course, Network for everyone else.]

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You were...acting kind of weird, yeah, but I don't know. I thought maybe it was a bad day. It doesn't matter if it was a curse.

[After a minute or two, she started to squirm a little. As wound up as she was at the moment, the closeness of the hug was beginning to make her feel a bit antsy, but she didn't want to pull away entirely and make Sam think his attempts at making her feel better were unwanted.]

You don't understand. It was--like seeing you in that machine all over again, but this time it was me and I'd done it to you and I could remember every bit of doing it to you and...

You talked to Sam?

It was a friend of mine. He had my device and was pretending to be me, and I had his and was going around as him.

[Sam noticed the squirming and let her go from the hug, doing his best not to think about why she was like that. He still held on to her by the shoulders though.]

And it's going to be bad for a while. But I promise after a while it'll get better.

[He reached up to run a hand through her hair.]

Because it's us. And I'm not going to let this come between us.

[That actually managed to get a smile out of her, albeit a faint, shaky one.]

You said that before, too. Some days, when things got awful, that was the only thing I had to count on.

[She paused for a long moment.]

Maybe...maybe today is one of those days.

Edited 2010-03-17 03:57 (UTC)

I did and he's super worried about you. He really, really wants to find you, and so does everyone else.

Did he tell you that I...what I did?

[Sam leaned forward to rest his forehead against hers.]

I promise this won't get between us. You should stay with Blue for a few days while I... take care of things at the warehouse.

In a--well, he mentioned it, kind of.

...Rosella. It was a curse. You would never do anything like that if you could help it, and no one doubts that.

It's still a...a mess, isn't it?

But it--it didn't let me forget, Penny. I remember every bit of it and even if I was cursed, all that means is I couldn't do anything to stop myself, I was just--helpless and...and I can't just...let it go. Not this time.

Yeah, I just ran out, I haven't been back.

[Sam glanced down.]

I mean, we're kind of a mess too.

Helpless is a step up from killer, right?

...No, I know nothing's going to make it better. But sometimes things happen, you know? Yeah, this was a huge and awful thing and no one's asking you to get over it, but it definitely wasn't your fault. We're all helpless sometimes. Being helpless doesn't make us bad people.

And I'm rambling now and I don't know if it makes any difference, but I think I get what you're feeling. There's no easy way to talk you out of feeling the way you do... there might not even be a hard way. You don't need to let it go or pretend to be okay or even come back if that's not what you really want, but try to start forgiving yourself? This was totally beyond your control.

Even if you don't want to come back or talk or anything, can I do something? Make a food run? Clean up the warehouse?

[She nodded her agreement, making a slight face at the bloody, torn state her dress was in. She'd noticed it before, of course, but she hadn't really paid attention to it until that moment.]

What about you? You'll just...take it all on yourself to clean up? It's half my fault, too.

Don't worry about it, I'll handle it.

[He paused for a moment, thinking things over. There was something he wanted to say and now was probably as good a time as any.]

Look, I need to say something, and I need to say it all, okay?

"Marionette" might be a better word for it. For how it felt, I mean. Why I hate that I was helpless so much.

[She pauses, just kind of absorbing everything Penny said.]

It's so much easier to forgive someone else than it is to forgive myself...

That wasn't quite what I meant.

[But she nodded a little, pulling her knees to her chest and hugging them tightly.]

All right.

I think that's the way it always is. Can you try, though...?

...Maybe when I can get it out of my head. I don't know.

[Sam sighed and ran a hand through his hair.]

Rosella, I- I'm sorry I broke your heart. Wait, let me finish. I didn't know and I know you probably didn't want me to but I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I never- I never meant to hurt you like that. The day before Mikaela came here the first time I had decided I was going to tell you how I felt soon and then- then she came and... Rosella I never meant to hurt you. And I think, I think I'm going to always carry a torch for you a little bit, Rosella, but more than that... I love you I love you as a friend. Okay, that's weird to say because I've never loved someone that was just a friend before but I do. And that's bigger than anything and that's why I'm happy you're happy with Cain or whatever or whoever you're with or if you're not with anyone.

Is being alone helping?

[At about the moment when Sam got to "Wait, let me finish", Rosella dropped her head and covered her face, listening silently but already beginning to feel the tears stinging at her eyes again.]

I--I didn't mean a word of that, really I didn't, I...Sam, I said it because you said all those things to my friends and I was so mad and I just--I just wanted to say something that would hurt you more than anything else, and I knew that would and--

[She drew in a shaky breath.]

It was a year ago--more than a year--and it hurt, but seeing you so happy...it was worth it, and I was upset and scared and jealous in the beginning but it was before I even knew her and I've long since...it doesn't bother me anymore. Really it doesn't. And you'll always mean more to me than anyone else, but--I can't be her, and I know it, and I shouldn't be, either. And it's all right that way. You didn't...honest, I only said it because I thought it--that it would hurt you, and...well, it seems it worked.

A little. I keep going around and around in circles, but it's quiet here, at least. And familiar.

They'll find me, though, sooner or later.

You really don't want to be found? You might feel better if you're around other people... less in your head.

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Quest 172

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