primrosella | Quest 172

[Accidental Voice Post]

[The recording switches on to the sound of a Network device skittering across dirt and stone, as though it has just been shoved or kicked away and it has turned on of its own volition.

For a long time, the recording is silent, save for the faint sound of shuddering, irregular breaths and the occasional high, strangled whimper. After a minute or two, the owner of the voice breaks down into a few wretched sobs, and then after a short while they are suddenly muffled again. It's clear that someone is sitting nearby, crying her eyes out and trying to stifle it. It's equally clear she has no idea that the recording is on.

After about another minute, she manages to compose herself somewhat, and the scraping sound resumes; this time, she is sliding it back toward herself, and as she picks it up, she makes a small squeak of surprise when she realizes it is already on. With a resigned sigh, she swallows hard and begins to speak, her voice thin and trembling.]

I'm--I'm so sorry. About yesterday. I know it--it doesn't make things any better, just saying that, but--

[She sniffles, fabric rustling near the microphone as she wipes her eyes.]

I was--cursed and--and Sam was too, and we took the wrong devices, he took mine and I had his and we were both cursed and all those things I said, those horrible things--it wasn't me, it was Sam, but it wasn't Sam either because he wasn't himself and I wasn't myself and we just--I'm so sorry, please, please, I didn't--

[Her voice cracks.]

The--the things I said. I didn't. Those horrible things, I didn't mean them, not any of them. I didn't know what I was saying. I...I don't really think any of that, and I'm so sorry, everyone I talked to while I was pretending to be Sam--there was a girl, one of Sam's friends--I didn't know her name, I still don't, but please, miss, if you're listening, please don't be angry with Sam, it wasn't him--it wasn't, it was me, and I just didn't know--I didn't know your name, that's all...

[Her voice rises in pitch as she starts talking faster and faster, clearly about to lose it again but forcing herself to keep talking.]

Sam's not--I didn't mean it, please, it's all just a mistake and I was cursed and we--I didn't mean it, I didn't, I didn't, I'm so sorry, I didn't know what I was doing! I never--Sam, I'd never, I'd--I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I never meant--I shouldn't have--

[She breaks off suddenly, choking down a sob, and takes a few shaking breaths to steady herself before she tries to continue.]

I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, it's all my fault, I did it, I should've known better--I should've stopped myself and I didn't and now I can't--I can't stop seeing it, over and over, every time I close my eyes...

[As she breaks down once again, she fumbles with the device. Her fingers are trembling too hard to work the switch smoothly, but she eventually manages to get the feed turned off.]

[OOC: So, um, yeah. It wouldn't be the Ides of March without somebody literally getting stabbed in the back, right? Which...is basically exactly what Rosella and Sam did yesterday, just to bring their little war to a dramatic close. Both made good use of the death exemption and are totally alive and fine now, but...yeah, Rosella's still an emotional wreck over killing her best friend, and now she's hiding out in her cave in the woods being miserable and crying forever.

Feel free to action her up if your character would think to look for her out there (since it's an old standby hiding place of hers), but she's not particularly interested in leaving it at the moment. And of course, Network for everyone else.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

In a--well, he mentioned it, kind of.

...Rosella. It was a curse. You would never do anything like that if you could help it, and no one doubts that.

But it--it didn't let me forget, Penny. I remember every bit of it and even if I was cursed, all that means is I couldn't do anything to stop myself, I was just--helpless and...and I can't just...let it go. Not this time.

Helpless is a step up from killer, right?

...No, I know nothing's going to make it better. But sometimes things happen, you know? Yeah, this was a huge and awful thing and no one's asking you to get over it, but it definitely wasn't your fault. We're all helpless sometimes. Being helpless doesn't make us bad people.

And I'm rambling now and I don't know if it makes any difference, but I think I get what you're feeling. There's no easy way to talk you out of feeling the way you do... there might not even be a hard way. You don't need to let it go or pretend to be okay or even come back if that's not what you really want, but try to start forgiving yourself? This was totally beyond your control.

Even if you don't want to come back or talk or anything, can I do something? Make a food run? Clean up the warehouse?

"Marionette" might be a better word for it. For how it felt, I mean. Why I hate that I was helpless so much.

[She pauses, just kind of absorbing everything Penny said.]

It's so much easier to forgive someone else than it is to forgive myself...

I think that's the way it always is. Can you try, though...?

...Maybe when I can get it out of my head. I don't know.

Is being alone helping?

A little. I keep going around and around in circles, but it's quiet here, at least. And familiar.

They'll find me, though, sooner or later.

You really don't want to be found? You might feel better if you're around other people... less in your head.

I don't know if I can face Sam yet, though.

You don't need to. If you want, you can always crash at the Center.

I'll remember that, thank you. I don't think I'll move for a while, though...I feel a bit like a rag that's been wrung out over and over again.

Sure. That's fine... that's okay. Not feeling like that, but staying where you are. When you're ready to come back, though, you've got friends waiting for you.

...I'm sorry, Penny. I really am so very, very sorry.

You don't need to be. Just try to find a way to forgive yourself.

It's all I can do, really, isn't it...? Trying, I mean.

Yep, that's about it.

It'd be nice if there were easier ways to get to the things we need.

It would. Or if I could keep so busy that I wouldn't have time to think of any of it at all, just like last time.

Not thinking about things doesn't make them go away, Rosella. Sometimes we have to come to terms with things before we can move on.

It hasn't even been a day yet, Penny...

No... and you don't have to hurry.

Could you let Sam know where you are, maybe? Or--I don't know. He's so worried about what happened.

He's...I have my phone with me. I've talked to him a little, when he called.

That's good--that's great. Then just... you do whatever you feel like you can. If all you want to do is be alone, then do that, and I hope it helps. ...And if there's anything anyone can do--

[Pause.]

I hope everything works itself out.

Sooner or later it will, won't it? It doesn't much feel like it now, but...I don't know. I'm all mixed up, at the moment.

Quest 172

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voice; | la la la handwaving the timeline a little

voice; | we don't need no stinkin' linear time

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