primrosella | Quest 172

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Quest 172

[Accidental Voice Post]

[The recording switches on to the sound of a Network device skittering across dirt and stone, as though it has just been shoved or kicked away and it has turned on of its own volition.

For a long time, the recording is silent, save for the faint sound of shuddering, irregular breaths and the occasional high, strangled whimper. After a minute or two, the owner of the voice breaks down into a few wretched sobs, and then after a short while they are suddenly muffled again. It's clear that someone is sitting nearby, crying her eyes out and trying to stifle it. It's equally clear she has no idea that the recording is on.

After about another minute, she manages to compose herself somewhat, and the scraping sound resumes; this time, she is sliding it back toward herself, and as she picks it up, she makes a small squeak of surprise when she realizes it is already on. With a resigned sigh, she swallows hard and begins to speak, her voice thin and trembling.]

I'm--I'm so sorry. About yesterday. I know it--it doesn't make things any better, just saying that, but--

[She sniffles, fabric rustling near the microphone as she wipes her eyes.]

I was--cursed and--and Sam was too, and we took the wrong devices, he took mine and I had his and we were both cursed and all those things I said, those horrible things--it wasn't me, it was Sam, but it wasn't Sam either because he wasn't himself and I wasn't myself and we just--I'm so sorry, please, please, I didn't--

[Her voice cracks.]

The--the things I said. I didn't. Those horrible things, I didn't mean them, not any of them. I didn't know what I was saying. I...I don't really think any of that, and I'm so sorry, everyone I talked to while I was pretending to be Sam--there was a girl, one of Sam's friends--I didn't know her name, I still don't, but please, miss, if you're listening, please don't be angry with Sam, it wasn't him--it wasn't, it was me, and I just didn't know--I didn't know your name, that's all...

[Her voice rises in pitch as she starts talking faster and faster, clearly about to lose it again but forcing herself to keep talking.]

Sam's not--I didn't mean it, please, it's all just a mistake and I was cursed and we--I didn't mean it, I didn't, I didn't, I'm so sorry, I didn't know what I was doing! I never--Sam, I'd never, I'd--I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I never meant--I shouldn't have--

[She breaks off suddenly, choking down a sob, and takes a few shaking breaths to steady herself before she tries to continue.]

I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, it's all my fault, I did it, I should've known better--I should've stopped myself and I didn't and now I can't--I can't stop seeing it, over and over, every time I close my eyes...

[As she breaks down once again, she fumbles with the device. Her fingers are trembling too hard to work the switch smoothly, but she eventually manages to get the feed turned off.]

[OOC: So, um, yeah. It wouldn't be the Ides of March without somebody literally getting stabbed in the back, right? Which...is basically exactly what Rosella and Sam did yesterday, just to bring their little war to a dramatic close. Both made good use of the death exemption and are totally alive and fine now, but...yeah, Rosella's still an emotional wreck over killing her best friend, and now she's hiding out in her cave in the woods being miserable and crying forever.

Feel free to action her up if your character would think to look for her out there (since it's an old standby hiding place of hers), but she's not particularly interested in leaving it at the moment. And of course, Network for everyone else.]

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Don't. Please.

[Again, she tries to shrug off the touch, but her heart really isn't in it.]

Knowing it was a curse won't take away the fact that I still did it. I can't put it away this time, call her some other girl who is me but not me and let it go at that. You can forgive me and I can forgive you and we can both hate the curse for what it made us do, but I can't just...forgive myself.

[Sam just held her for a moment, not knowing what to do or say. He wished there was something he could do that would make it all better. When he spoke, his voice was heavy as he tried not to cry.]

Alright, then I won't forgive myself.

[Oh. Well. Hearing that was enough to make her start crying again, softly.]

Had you already? And now you won't, because of me?

[Sam hugged her closer. Maybe that wasn't the thing to say.]

No, I mean, I killed you. I know it wasn't me me, but I know I'll forgive myself eventually. Especially because you'll probably be sad if I don't.

[After a minute or two, she started to squirm a little. As wound up as she was at the moment, the closeness of the hug was beginning to make her feel a bit antsy, but she didn't want to pull away entirely and make Sam think his attempts at making her feel better were unwanted.]

You don't understand. It was--like seeing you in that machine all over again, but this time it was me and I'd done it to you and I could remember every bit of doing it to you and...

[Sam noticed the squirming and let her go from the hug, doing his best not to think about why she was like that. He still held on to her by the shoulders though.]

And it's going to be bad for a while. But I promise after a while it'll get better.

[He reached up to run a hand through her hair.]

Because it's us. And I'm not going to let this come between us.

[That actually managed to get a smile out of her, albeit a faint, shaky one.]

You said that before, too. Some days, when things got awful, that was the only thing I had to count on.

[She paused for a long moment.]

Maybe...maybe today is one of those days.

Edited 2010-03-17 03:57 (UTC)

[Sam leaned forward to rest his forehead against hers.]

I promise this won't get between us. You should stay with Blue for a few days while I... take care of things at the warehouse.

It's still a...a mess, isn't it?

Yeah, I just ran out, I haven't been back.

[Sam glanced down.]

I mean, we're kind of a mess too.

[She nodded her agreement, making a slight face at the bloody, torn state her dress was in. She'd noticed it before, of course, but she hadn't really paid attention to it until that moment.]

What about you? You'll just...take it all on yourself to clean up? It's half my fault, too.

Don't worry about it, I'll handle it.

[He paused for a moment, thinking things over. There was something he wanted to say and now was probably as good a time as any.]

Look, I need to say something, and I need to say it all, okay?

That wasn't quite what I meant.

[But she nodded a little, pulling her knees to her chest and hugging them tightly.]

All right.

[Sam sighed and ran a hand through his hair.]

Rosella, I- I'm sorry I broke your heart. Wait, let me finish. I didn't know and I know you probably didn't want me to but I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I never- I never meant to hurt you like that. The day before Mikaela came here the first time I had decided I was going to tell you how I felt soon and then- then she came and... Rosella I never meant to hurt you. And I think, I think I'm going to always carry a torch for you a little bit, Rosella, but more than that... I love you I love you as a friend. Okay, that's weird to say because I've never loved someone that was just a friend before but I do. And that's bigger than anything and that's why I'm happy you're happy with Cain or whatever or whoever you're with or if you're not with anyone.

[At about the moment when Sam got to "Wait, let me finish", Rosella dropped her head and covered her face, listening silently but already beginning to feel the tears stinging at her eyes again.]

I--I didn't mean a word of that, really I didn't, I...Sam, I said it because you said all those things to my friends and I was so mad and I just--I just wanted to say something that would hurt you more than anything else, and I knew that would and--

[She drew in a shaky breath.]

It was a year ago--more than a year--and it hurt, but seeing you so happy...it was worth it, and I was upset and scared and jealous in the beginning but it was before I even knew her and I've long since...it doesn't bother me anymore. Really it doesn't. And you'll always mean more to me than anyone else, but--I can't be her, and I know it, and I shouldn't be, either. And it's all right that way. You didn't...honest, I only said it because I thought it--that it would hurt you, and...well, it seems it worked.

Hey, hey...

[Sam tried to tilt her face up so that she was looking at him.]

You'll always mean more to me than anyone else, Rosella. And I don't want you to be her. I want you to be you. That's the person I most want.

I wish she'd come back.

[She sniffled a little.]

I really didn't mean a word of it. I didn't mean anything I said yesterday, not a bit. Not when I was pretending to be you and not when I was myself, either.

As long as I've got you, I'm okay.

[He reached up and pulled her close again.]

I know you didn't. I didn't either. As soon as I woke up I knew it was just the curse making you do that stuff. I know you'd never do that.

I apologized to your friend. I still don't know her name, though.

[She laughed wryly at that.]

And I'm...I'm not mad at you, either. At myself still, yes, but not at you.

Lucy. Her name is Lucy. And I tried to call everyone I talked to as you yesterday to let them know what was going on.

[Sam tugged at her a bit.]

Well, I'm sure you can't stay mad at yourself for long. Let's get you back to Blue's place though, okay?

[Slowly, and a little stiffly, she nodded and started to get herself to her feet. She'd been sitting there in the cave for the better part of the day now, and between the tension from crying and the stiffness from sitting, her movements weren't nearly as fluid as she might've liked.]

I need some things from the--from my room. But I'll call him and let him know we're coming there after.

[Sam helped her to her feet and conveniently just didn't let go of her hand once she was standing up again.]

Do you just want to tell me what they are and I'll get them for you?

It's just clothes and things. Um...but it might be better if you did, I think, yes.

I'll take care of it, don't worry.

[Although it probably seemed more like he was saying that he would take care of her.]

Thank you. I'll...I'll try not to.

Quest 172

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